It's strange; the odd little moments one can recall with perfect clarity. I was hiding in Bill VanSickle's room waiting for drama practice. It was winter in Michigan so that meant the sun set at roughly noon. I was going through a period where Elton John could do no wrong in my book, along with the Eagles and sure, Steve Miller. Within a year I was scoffing at myself, having learned that Pearl Jam wasn't a toe condition and Soundgarden was really really good. But not then. I was listening to Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy after having beat Madman Across the Water into a bloody pulp of repeated listening. Someone Saved My Life Tonight came on as thick angel feather flakes of snow fell from a dark sky.
It was a moment. I can remember sitting there in the dark listening to that song over and over, starring at the snow in that strange non light that comes with the right kind of snowfall. I sat thinking about things that seemed so important to me at the time; getting Erin Garnett to pay attention to me in a way that didn't remind me of someone desperately trying to escape a street performer, doing my homework in the quickest, least effortful way possible, the dungeon I was running at the time, etc. I'd like to say I was waging an internal point/counterpoint argument of Hume's view of moral philosophy but that special brand of pompous ass wouldn't be rearing itself for another good four years. I was a 16 year old listening to a strange Englishman talk about how he almost killed himself because he didn't want to get married, thinking all those naively arrogant thoughts that all sixteen year olds have on how they were gonna be something dammit.
And now half my life later I'm in the dark listening to that same song. I have a house now, and a girlfriend that isn't Erin Garnett or any of the other endless parade of "Oh I care about her so!"s who I could probably walk by and not recognize. My knees and back sound like someone breaking boards, hopefully for a red belt. I'm not a writer or an actor or any of the other Walter Mitty dreams I had, yet I don't have any regrets. I've learned that life is a circular ride. It goes up, down, around. Sometimes you feel on top of the world, others? Well you're green and dizzy and that funnel cake isn't going to taste quite as good coming back up. But it's a ride in the end, the snake that eats its own tail, always coming back around. All we can do is remember.
